Frustrations, Change, Radical

So, I just finished reading a chapter in “Velvet Elvis” by Rob Bell. And, well, I got excited, inspired, angry, upset, frustrated, confused, concerned, hurt, and thrilled. So, in case you don’t know, I’m not invincible, some super-person, or any sort of person that is really good at anything. I make mistakes; I try to do right; sometimes I don’t think about what is right. I fail with some things repeatedly because I am weak. I don’t have a clue what the future holds. I don’t care too much about what is in the future actually. I care about who I am now. As you may know, I’m not good at being who I say I am or who I want to be. I hate it. So, I take some “drastic” actions at times. Drastic change is what is needed in my life, right? I mean, I don’t want to keep going on as things are. It’s frustrating, pointless, painful, tiresome, and unfulfilling. I am looking for something more in life, something worth living, something with meaning and purpose – something that excites me to get up each day to live, not something to endure. I’m sick of working, and trying, and pushing, and learning, and everything. It’s time to exist, to be, to live.

So, I just finished reading a chapter in “Velvet Elvis” by Rob Bell. And, well, I got excited, inspired, angry, upset, frustrated, confused, concerned, hurt, and thrilled. So, in case you don’t know, I’m not invincible, some super-person, or any sort of person that is really good at anything. I make mistakes; I try to do right; sometimes I don’t think about what is right. I fail with some things repeatedly because I am weak. I don’t have a clue what the future holds. I don’t care too much about what is in the future actually. I care about who I am now. As you may know, I’m not good at being who I say I am or who I want to be. I hate it. So, I take some “drastic” actions at times. Drastic change is what is needed in my life, right? I mean, I don’t want to keep going on as things are. It’s frustrating, pointless, painful, tiresome, and unfulfilling. I am looking for something more in life, something worth living, something with meaning and purpose – something that excites me to get up each day to live, not something to endure. I’m sick of working, and trying, and pushing, and learning, and everything. It’s time to exist, to be, to live.

I have had well-meaning friends desire to “help” me. It’s real sweet. It is really is. Very admirable, caring, loving, etc. It’s awesome. But, honestly, who can help me. Somebody who is going where I am going can help me. Somebody who has been where I want to be. That is who can help me. Dreams, aspirations, visions, desires, and fantasies do not change the facts. Life is a journey with a destination.

So, what is it that I need now? I need to move into living life rather than doing life.

The other really annoying thing is that I feel totally worthless without attention from others. It’s like the most pathetic thing in the world to say. I mean, doesn’t that sound totally vain? What if I didn’t get attention from those around me? What if I went to a party and knew nobody? What if I was around a bunch of people I thought were friends and they were all talking to each other and not me? What if somebody did talk to me and I felt like it was totally superficial? I mean, I get pretty fed up with the world and everybody. Without attention, I begin to assume, stereotype, and criticize each person around me for not being real, or authentic, or caring, or having any positive characteristics. I begin to identify flaws in others – oh, they are superficial, materialistic, or a phony/poser. Or maybe these others have deep-seeded issues, like identity issues, a need to be seen as perfect or nice or considerate or together or fashionable or cultured or smart or athletic or friendly or whatever else.

What is wrong with me!?!? Seriously, where do I get off having these thoughts? I am the one with the issue. I am somehow all screwed up. Why? How? Is there a resolution?

Pursuing: The contentedness in existence. The security in the uncertainty. The thrill of the unknown. The fun in monotony. The excitement of being alone. The fulfillment without accomplishment. The confidence without others’ approval.

God knows. God cares. God changes me. I am the problem – not others.

God, change me. I am so selfish to desire you to change others to fit my desires. Kill this me that isn’t me. I’m spent.

If this is confusing, doesn’t make sense or whatever then disregard. Otherwise, hope it’s interesting and provides insight into what’s going on in my life in some weird way. I need to get some of these deep issues out of the way. Time away. Time alone. Time of fear.

I’m searching for restoration. Frustrations are great because change comes.

Stop. Reflect, Listen. Ponder. Question. Desire. Change. Move. Radical.

…………

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jason exposed

Jason Lund

7 thoughts on “Frustrations, Change, Radical”

  1. This journey you speak of has been walked by many before. We all have to walk it at some point if we want to wake up and live our lives on purpose. It’s possible, it’s meaningful and it’s downright just got to happen. If you are looking you will find the answer. If you are asking the questions you will find the meaning you seek.

  2. interestingly enough, i’ve been going through a lot of the same thought processes. who’d have ever thought that i’d be having the same thought processes as you….. ? 🙂

    keep moving forward. God is good, and as long as you follow where He leads you, you’ll find the answers to those questions and feel secure in knowing the He is really all that matters.

  3. Umm, listen reading your text I realised that I am by far not the only one who encounters problems when discussing this kind of stuff with others. So I wanted to ask you whether you have an opinion about the relation between God and time. Are they one? Can time be excluded from the ecuation God + us? And what if it could?
    I really do not know what to expect from all this atempt of mine, to write on this site. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Every day of our life, every moment, is nothing else than God’s invitation to join Him. And, to this invitation we keep sayng: – No, not just yet! But we all say yes, eventually, now don’t we?! In fact what is life, if not a single moment?
    So, I’ll just …, umm, wait’n’see what’ll turn up from all this…thing. Bye.

  4. I really like how you brought up two completely different perspectives.
    First, the intellectual – how does God, time, and us interact? To this, I have some unsubstantiated thoughts of my own. It seems like we as humans must exist in time because we are physical beings (which exist in space and time). Since the Garden was perfect and likely with many similarities to heaven, it would seem that we should continue to exist in space and time. God meets us in such a fashion right where we are (in time).
    The second, the realization – what really matters? I do believe that every moment is an opportunity to join with God in His will. And you are exactly right, we do continually reject God’s guidance and I hope to learn how to reject less. Then do we all say “yes” eventually? I think not. At some point there is a judgment and those who have continually denied partnering with God will go one way and those who did partner with him will go another.
    Each moment seems to be something where we are given power for some reason to either bring glory to God or to ourselves. Seems like God really gave us a lot to do, He wasn’t interested in giving us boring lives. How fun is that?

  5. Thanks for the feed back. I apreciate it.
    About time: while dreaming, time cease to exist. Therefore I think that these are the moments which help us to get at least an idea about the two realities involved in our life: one (this one) in which we depend so much on the time/space factor and the other which is what we actually long for. So, time and space are somehow this veil that separates us from the true reality and the beauty about all this is that sometimes we somehow manage to penetrate this veil and get a glimpse of that reality. And when that happens I realise that I am not about myself only, this life of ours is not about the individual, but about the whole. Or, maybe the veil consists not only of time and space, but of egocentrism too! I mean, even i can give some examples of my Self standing in my way; for Christ sake, this self of mine is, most of the time, my worst enemy!
    You see, I read some time ago this book by C. S. Lewis and he explained that if we try and picture ourselves together with our life and time and space, etc., as a text, then God is the sheet of paper on which all this is writen. I mean, it is writen in the bible that God already knows what will you do! So, our narrow mind is telling us that then is not our fault when we do wrong towards God; we cannot catch Him off guard, now can we?
    But things aren’t like this at all. You see, it is not about what you do, or what you feel, is about how you manage it. Is about how you manage to really belive that just because I like something doen’t mean that is good!
    Or even viceversa. I mean, of course God knows what we’ll do! He knew it before we were put here! But I think that this is the only way in which we as people can become children of God and not just creations of God. And i think that all this has a lot to do with suffering. bye.

  6. to cosmin and jason1365:
    seeing is believing. whatever was thought or said, these persistent, inexorable deaths make faith as such absent or hummaness a question, a disgust for what we are. whatever the hope, here it is lost.
    the C.S.Lewis hypothesys, God is the sheet of paper on which we are the text written, does not offer more then a pantheist kind of vision of God, so I find useless as saying that the bible is important because on what it is written.
    And what does “bring glory to God” means? now really?!
    respect!

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