How does sex affect dating relationships?

I was talking with a friend recently about how premarital sex effects dating relationships. I want to know what you think about the subject matter. It seems that when in fairly serious dating relationships, the fact that one has had sex with the previous significant other bothers the partner. But, what about it is bothersome? That is something that I would really like to understand. Yes it bothers people, but why? I can think of a few reasons, but I wonder if there is something else. Does it just bother the partner or does it bother oneself as well? What exactly does the non-virgin label carry with it? A nonchalant mistake? An act of love? Does this act of love ever lose significance? If so, when? Does premarital sex show dedication or rather lack thereof? What changes emotionally, spiritually, physically occur once one loses his/her virginity? Does it matter if on honeymoon night or some other time? How does it make the partner feel? Isn’t that the goal anyways – to give something special to somebody else? So what makes something special and what makes something typical?

I’ll talk from how I see things personally. What about premarital sex bothers me? Well, the fact that the girl has had sex before begins to make me wonder many things. This wondering along leads to doubt, then mistrust, then poor communication, then eventually a relationship in the ruins if the issue isn’t dealt with openly and up front.
The first thing I wonder is why? Did she really ‘love’ her previous partner? Then if she did, how do I know if she really loves me? I mean, what more can one offer than themselves? Does this girl still love the other person? Does the girl love me more than she loved the previous partner? How would I know that I am more important? Sex with me cannot demonstrate any additional commitment. And if sex signifies commitment, then she wasn’t committed enough to the previous guy, why would she be committed enough to me? Was the previous guy a mistake? How do I know that I’m not on the same path – a mistake? Obviously she didn’t think the guy was a mistake at the time.
The next thing that I think about is what does the act itself show? The meaning most people say is that it shows how much one loves another. It shows commitment, trust, and a sense of completion with the partner. But, I must go back to the trite adage, ‘love waits’. What I see by the act of sex during dating relationships is a display of selfishness, not selflessness. I believe, it is generally an act where one tries to gain as much as possible from the other – in most cases a personal (and false) sense of emotional stability. I’m describing this from an entirely gaining perspective. The main reason as I see it is to gain that desire sense of security in the relationship as quickly as possible. So I believe sex is used to get there, the problem is that it is a false sense of security. Therefore the act itself shows a selfish nature, not the loving selfless nature desire in a partner.
Additionally, it shows the partner may be weak in standing up for themselves. If my goal is to have a great relationship with my partner, then I’m going to do whatever it takes to do that. I know that having sex while dating shows selfishness and that it will negatively affect my relationship. So, that means my desire would be to not have sex until marriage because then the commitment is sure, and I have shown the girl that I am willing to stand up for her and our relationship, and that I will stick to my long-term goals rather than compromise myself the quick, easy, and fun.
Then also from the other side. What about the remorse I may have because I am unable to offer my future girl a pure body? How does this effect my attitude, approaches, and communication toward my partner? I may constantly wonder if my partner knows I am committed to a much higher degree than before. But how can I show this? How can I be sure my partner understands and believes me? The fact is, that not only does my partner wonder about me, I wonder about myself and about my partner. Worry is a significant detriment to any relationship and oneself – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Finally, on my wedding day, I won’t be able to offer something completely “special”. How special is it? Is it more special if I only had sex with one other person? 2? Or does the number not matter?
In today’s society premarital sex is expected. Maybe that is part of the reason the divorce rate is so high. Relationships are built on sex rather than a real love, knowledge, and deep understanding of the partner. I believe soon enough we will see the family structure fall apart because a relationship built on sex and feelings rather than real commitment cannot stand the test of time. Feelings change, sex gets redundant, people get busy, attentsions are diverted, communication breaks down, and then a partner is looking for something to fill the real void that was once superficially covered with emotional highs and sex.

Let me know what you think on the matter. I’m anxious for some more insight.

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Jason Lund

16 thoughts on “How does sex affect dating relationships?”

  1. I think also on a spiritual level, your body is the temple of God and it does not belong to use according to your whim and fancy. (1 corinthians 6:19) So at no point is your body yours or whoever you choose to share it with. It’s God’s, and by initiating sex before God’s timing is ripe one would be undermining God’s authority and His creatorship. And along those lines, if your body belongs to Him, if one chooses to rip out their virginity and give it to someone else, it’s much harder to find completion in one’s relationship with God. Instead one then seeks to find completion and fulfillment in his or her partner.

  2. You can over analyze anything. In this case, I believe it is a form of worry cloaked as intellectual pursuit. The more you think about this issue the more anxious you become, fueling self doubt & concern for your partner’s intensions. When comes to relationships, I feel you should lighten up, go with the flow, & let your “gut” guide your actions & progress.

    Secondly, I think this whole question/analysis is akin to an apples & oranges comparison. The reason for this comment is that you are applying a mature adult thought process to actions that for the most part took place when you or your partner(s) were “irresponsible & crazy” teens. Would any of us want our teen yrs to be held up as representative for what we are today? Many reasons can explain sex during the teen yrs, not the least of which is experimentation, passions gone wild, loss of control due to substance ingestions, to the belief that this is the one true love – let them be what they were, those actions only a teen would undertake. Let the past be the past, learn from it but don’t carry it into the future.

    Thirdly, sex is an extension of emotional love & should come into a relationship at the appropriate time, not at some artificially prescribed point in time (ie marriage). People have been having sex before marriage since time began, this is nothing new, just talked about & accepted as the norm rather than being “kept in the closet”. I feel that in your heart you know when you are married (the marriage ceremony is only an official way of saying to the church & society that you are committed to each other). When the relationship reaches this level, then it is appropriate to expand your feelings/actions toward each other in a physical way. If you want the ceremony to coincide, that is fine, but certainly not mandatory. The concept of saving oneself sounds noble but is it necessary? It may be for you, but each person has to answer that question logically & honestly – as I have given you my answer.

    Lastly, I believe we place too much emphasis on sex in society. It is just another part of any couple’s interaction, albeit an important one, but certainly not the most significant when it comes to mutual compatibility & relationship longevity – that is the respect & concern for the other’s wellbeing. This concept of “dating” prior to marriage is only a recent event in the history of mankind (20th century), so enjoy the time you live in & try not to let sex be an impediment to the joys of relationship building (ie lighten up).


  3. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me!

  4. I wonder if you can ever truly bein love with someone if you haven’t had sex with them. Love isn’t just mental or spritual, its also physical. Its knowing someone’s mind and body as well as your own. Sex can be about giving. It can be about letting the emotional commitment spill over into a physical sensation. Its that feeling that even your bodies are in love with each other. That ALL of you, every aspect of you, your mind, your heart, and even your body are in love with that person. Its important. Its also a shared act, a shared experiance that celebrates the emotional and spiritual union. Couples that get divorced later in lofe often site a loss of sexual desire for eachother as one of the first things that started to go wrong. Why do people care if their partner has had sex before? I don’t think its cause anyone actually cares if they are pure or not or were in love before or not or made mistakes or anything. People care because they want to protect their own fragile egos. Everyone worries about sex, they wory about thier performance. People only worry about people’s previous experiances because they are worried about being compared to them. If they cared about their purity, and really loved them, they would be able to forgive their partner their pasts and move on. Premarital sex is no more detrimental to a relationsip than the relationship itself. Unless we are going to go full scale for arranged marriages. Its another form of communion between two people. It makes more sense to worry about your partners past emotional relationships, particularly who they have hurt and why, than past sexual encounters which are at least born of some form of love.

  5. Jason, no offense, but for someone your age, you seem to be carrying the burden of the world. Lighten up and enjoy yourself. Do things without always looking so deep into them and trying to somehow relate religion into it.
    There is so much stress, sorrow and disppointments in our everyday lives. Live it up, go out with your friends, if sex becomes an opportunity, enjoy it. You are way to young to be so serious.

  6. Jason,

    After reading the latest post, I have to say that I’m glad to see that you actually do care about your future and are concerned about doing things correctly in your future dating life.

    Although society tends to lean towards the “let it go” idea or the “live and let live” mentality, we must remember that no matter what, there are consequences to each decision we make. Nothing can change that.

    I’m glad to see you’ve matured to the point where you actually realize that there are consequences to your actions. Way to go!

    ~Former classmate at TCS (JP).

  7. Jason, in response to the previous post, I applaud your maturity. Being young, and being immature, are completely seperate issues. The comment seems to forget that. Many people early on tend to dispell worries that their conscience may lay on them about the results of their actions. You however, seem to truly value the weight of your actions, their effects on you, and their effects on other people. That isn’t the type of thing that will dissolve from your mindset, and I encourage you to listen to it. It may not be the approach other people take, but as long as your pensive mind asks ‘why?’ you should follow it either to an answer or to some type of peace over the question.

    You seem to value the meaning of sex for yourself, which means that you will probably value its meaning in your partner’s life in a very similar way. Whatever you think that you deserve from her or hope from her, realize that she deseves the same from you. Keep it up bro. – BCW

  8. I don’t have a license to act as a shrink, but I sure can write some bs.

    You are going about this the wrong way. You’re asking questions you know the answer to. If you don’t like the way a girl’s breathe smells, how smart she is, or if she has a sexual history then don’t hate her. How can you make this so complicated? Asking these questions makes you appear insecure. I was expecting you to ask if she liked your butt hair before it actually ended.

    Get off the selfish thing. It’s selfish to have sex, but it’s not selfish to save yourself?

    You are giving sex way too much importance in a relationship. Bad idea. Sure, it’s great to say you have the most expensive car, you have more people working under you than anybody else, and your wife was a virgin before you had sex with her. Makes you feel like a thousand bucks right? Playing king of the hill is fun, and it’s natural. But, if you are not self assured none of that means jack. You won’t take chances, you will never gain anything, and I promise you that you’ll pass up the right girl.

    Well, you used the word love a lot. For the sake of argument, and a damn good one, lets just say that there is no such thing as love like you are using it. At the risk of a reality check, i’m sure you really meant to say that girls that have had sex with previous boyfriends are less inclined to wipe that snot off your mustache at dinner. Doesn’t make much sense does it? You argue, in other words, girls that have had sex before are less inclined to be affectionate or intimate with you. You’ll quickly learn this is false. Heck, I’d venture to say she’d be an easier lay. Less work and more fun.

  9. It is self-contradictory and almost funny when you notice that the people whose comments state that “sex is overanalyzed here” are also those who most equate dating relationships with sex. If love really “can be taken out of the relationship argument” and be replaced with only “sex”, shouldn’t we give this topic more thought? In our society nowadays, “saving yourself” does not make you “look good” or add to your ego. Many young people feel pressured to have sex so they won’t be “left out”. On the contrary, it is only when you are TRULY secured about who you are and what you mean to your partner that you can wait for sex until a permanent commitment is made.

    If you really think the only reason to get a girl is because she will “wipe that snot off your mustache at dinner”, that just shows your ignorance of the female race and what THEIR contribution to a meaningful relationship is.

    I am a girl. Do you think I would jeparodize my health and emotions to have sex “on the go” just so I would be an “easier lay” for other men? Puh-leeze.

  10. As I see it, the point of relationships is for both people to grow closer to God. I do not know how God can be glorified through sex unless it is to create another human to do his service.

    Do you agree?

  11. Thanks for finding my post interesting and funny as it was intended. You are completely right.

  12. Sex is inseparable from the emotions and commitments involved in dating. Kisses send messages, demonstrate certain manifestations of feelings. Oral sex, erotic massage, and intercourse bring their own emotional baggage. Each stage marks a progression in the relationship. It also stands as a challenge–has the relationship grown to the point that it merits kisses, or permission to hang out with someone else, or sex., My read of ancient marriage patterns suggests that the marraige centered on the union of the families property and in the couples’ physicla union. THe sex consecrated the wedding moment. Sexual expression in a dating relationship seems inevitable, but how far is appropriately Christian–kisses? hugs? massage? masturbation? oral sex? full intercourse? Hard questions, b/c I believe eery step has emotional baggage tied to it.

  13. seriously you guys, you are all acting so pretentious it’s making me ill. whatever happened to the jason1365 bfss website we used to know and love? i want pics, not overanalyzed discussions about things that you are NEVER going to resolve.

  14. I found you looking for a completely different websit. I am sorry you seem “not” to have family nor friends to refer this matter to. However, I have “my two cents worth”…..

    You said “dating”. I would assume then “sex” is not the immediate issue at hand but; more importantly, a bond where you could jovial laugh, kid, harrass one another….trick one another with set-up’s, then fall down laughing, you would hug, then go your own way? Always Knowing you have a very best friend…. Friends are forever.

  15. Hey I think that everyone thus far has made a great argument. My only comment is that while I do believe in the bible and saving yourself til marriage, I also know how hard it is not to have sex. I’ve been there most recent. I don’t think that sex screws your relationship. I think it makes it more complicated. Going to one extreme or the other is ludacrous and I think that if sex pleases you then enjoy yourself but at the same time think about who you’re messing with.

  16. i belive that weather your married or not…the choice is yours to make, it is trully your body…and if you feel the time is right, than it is…no regrets…
    true that;there may be doubts…but if you really love some one enough to give them yourself… you love them enough to make it through any thing… together…
    that all i have to say

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