I was talking with a friend recently about how premarital sex effects dating relationships. I want to know what you think about the subject matter. It seems that when in fairly serious dating relationships, the fact that one has had sex with the previous significant other bothers the partner. But, what about it is bothersome? That is something that I would really like to understand. Yes it bothers people, but why? I can think of a few reasons, but I wonder if there is something else. Does it just bother the partner or does it bother oneself as well? What exactly does the non-virgin label carry with it? A nonchalant mistake? An act of love? Does this act of love ever lose significance? If so, when? Does premarital sex show dedication or rather lack thereof? What changes emotionally, spiritually, physically occur once one loses his/her virginity? Does it matter if on honeymoon night or some other time? How does it make the partner feel? Isn’t that the goal anyways – to give something special to somebody else? So what makes something special and what makes something typical?
I’ll talk from how I see things personally. What about premarital sex bothers me? Well, the fact that the girl has had sex before begins to make me wonder many things. This wondering along leads to doubt, then mistrust, then poor communication, then eventually a relationship in the ruins if the issue isn’t dealt with openly and up front.
The first thing I wonder is why? Did she really ‘love’ her previous partner? Then if she did, how do I know if she really loves me? I mean, what more can one offer than themselves? Does this girl still love the other person? Does the girl love me more than she loved the previous partner? How would I know that I am more important? Sex with me cannot demonstrate any additional commitment. And if sex signifies commitment, then she wasn’t committed enough to the previous guy, why would she be committed enough to me? Was the previous guy a mistake? How do I know that I’m not on the same path – a mistake? Obviously she didn’t think the guy was a mistake at the time.
The next thing that I think about is what does the act itself show? The meaning most people say is that it shows how much one loves another. It shows commitment, trust, and a sense of completion with the partner. But, I must go back to the trite adage, ‘love waits’. What I see by the act of sex during dating relationships is a display of selfishness, not selflessness. I believe, it is generally an act where one tries to gain as much as possible from the other – in most cases a personal (and false) sense of emotional stability. I’m describing this from an entirely gaining perspective. The main reason as I see it is to gain that desire sense of security in the relationship as quickly as possible. So I believe sex is used to get there, the problem is that it is a false sense of security. Therefore the act itself shows a selfish nature, not the loving selfless nature desire in a partner.
Additionally, it shows the partner may be weak in standing up for themselves. If my goal is to have a great relationship with my partner, then I’m going to do whatever it takes to do that. I know that having sex while dating shows selfishness and that it will negatively affect my relationship. So, that means my desire would be to not have sex until marriage because then the commitment is sure, and I have shown the girl that I am willing to stand up for her and our relationship, and that I will stick to my long-term goals rather than compromise myself the quick, easy, and fun.
Then also from the other side. What about the remorse I may have because I am unable to offer my future girl a pure body? How does this effect my attitude, approaches, and communication toward my partner? I may constantly wonder if my partner knows I am committed to a much higher degree than before. But how can I show this? How can I be sure my partner understands and believes me? The fact is, that not only does my partner wonder about me, I wonder about myself and about my partner. Worry is a significant detriment to any relationship and oneself – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Finally, on my wedding day, I won’t be able to offer something completely “special”. How special is it? Is it more special if I only had sex with one other person? 2? Or does the number not matter?
In today’s society premarital sex is expected. Maybe that is part of the reason the divorce rate is so high. Relationships are built on sex rather than a real love, knowledge, and deep understanding of the partner. I believe soon enough we will see the family structure fall apart because a relationship built on sex and feelings rather than real commitment cannot stand the test of time. Feelings change, sex gets redundant, people get busy, attentsions are diverted, communication breaks down, and then a partner is looking for something to fill the real void that was once superficially covered with emotional highs and sex.
Let me know what you think on the matter. I’m anxious for some more insight.